April, Spring, Elm Street.

So I've slacked off hard the last few weeks. Only updating with stuff i did for school. That's super lame, and I'm going to try to stop doing that.

Anyhoo, Sarah (my future wife) is pretty excited about a certain burn victim who is getting a makeover this month. No, it's not a new special episode of Maury, its the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street!
Yeah, I know what most jaded horror fans are muttering under their breathe about this one, and I'm right there with ya. No Robert Englund, Micheal Bay is involved, and with the last year's of stinkers (H2? bummer) people have reason to be wary of this re-vamp of a classic.

I'm still trying to be cautiously optimistic, not only because Sarah is so excited about it, (I'm trying this new thing where I don't always shit on her parade) but also because there is at least one example of a Micheal Bay produced remake that didn't annoy the fuck out of me. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, though flawed and lacking the intensity of the original, was still a fun movie. Granted I was high, and I saw it for free, and that was around 7 years ago, so my memory is fuzzy on how good it really was. Still, maybe Rorschach's Freddy will be really cool. His make up looks like a genuine burn victim, so that's pretty creepy.

Anyway, the point of this post was to introduce the new feature around these parts for the month of April.

Me and Sarah are going to watch every Nightmare on Elm Street movie this month before we go see the remake. And I'm going to write about every single one, and try to register her reaction as well. I do that in the interest of getting someones genuine first reaction to these movies, since I've seen each one at least twice, and the first one is pretty deeply ingrained into my brain. We got through about half of the second one tonight before she kicked me out so she could get some sleep. God damn that movie sucks, but in such a watchable way.

ANNYYYWayyy, look forward to the first review sometime this week, and more to follow. And when it's all done I'll rank them in order from worst to best. And then a review of the remake!And Sarah's going to wear this costume all month till the movie comes out! Fuckin 'Eh bro!

Ninja Assassin

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Dawn of the Dead

As you will soon find out from reading my mass communications class essay; Dawn of the Dead is serious business.

Dawn of the Dead is a horror film from 1979. It was originally released in 1978 to great success in Europe, but in a different cut than director George A. Romero’s original version. This was due to an MPAA battle that raged over the more controversial aspects of the movie. The MPAA is the ratings board for American film. They wanted to brand the movie with an X-rating due to it’s over the top extreme violence and (on speculation) it’s social satirical content that took on the values of consumerist America. Dawn of the Dead is a zombie film. In it the zombies are explicitly representing the consumer culture that was budding during the time of its release. The majority of the picture takes place in a brand new shopping center, where survivors of the zombie apocalypse take refuge. Long montage sequences of the walking dead strolling mindlessly through the various shops and facilities at a local shopping mall shake the viewer’s perspective on consumerism and the capitalist mechanizations that keep it fueled. Leaving one with its nihilistic brand burned into their brain.

But let’s back track to the beginning of the narrative. At the start of the film we are introduced to the female lead, Fran, who wakes from a nightmare into the chaos of a television station in crisis. The dead are rising up and eating people, and everyone is turning to local media outlets for information on what to do. In the films first of many dark turns, the head broadcaster insists on constantly displaying the rescue stations over the programming, even though they have all been overtaken by zombies. The man is so in tune with his job and its quest for ratings that he does not care if he is sending people to their death, as long as they don’t change the channel. Fran takes the list off the air, and is met with resistance from her boss. The film is siding with the libertarian idea of emphasis on the individual. She took matters into her own hands, and further does this later in the film when she abandons her job to get into a helicopter with her boyfriend and look for another place to wait out the catastrophe. Her defiance is portrayed as admirable, and she is rewarded for it when she survives longer than all but one other character in the film.

The other two main characters are introduced at a raid on a housing project where zombies are being kept alive by their fearful and confused relatives. Mistrusting government and its agencies has never been more justified than in the sequence that follows. A crazed SWAT member goes on a rampage shooting every person he sees while going on a racist rant. The two level headed members of the team subdue the maniac, and soon decide to abandon their posts as well and take off with the couple in their helicopter.

While the group is on the trip that ends at the mall, they encounter some rural redneck zombie hunters. The atmosphere is that of a carnival event, like a tail gate party to battle the living dead. People are drinking beer, and bragging about how many zombies they have shot in the head. This lines up well with the cynical Mass Society theory, holding that as long as you paint the apocalypse in a favorable light (and give people beer) the dumb audience will stay entertained.

Arriving at the mall, Steve (the helicopter pilot, and Fran’s boyfriend) reflects on the hoard of zombies gathering in and around the shopping center. “This was an important place in their lives,” he says. A message can’t be more explicitly delivered than that. So hilariously cynical that it is often met with laughter from an audience. As time passes inside the mall, we see the characters begin to adjust to life after the zombies. They roam the mall, using up their endless free time with arcade games and an ice skating rink. At night they dine in and play high stakes poker games with 50 dollar bills stolen from the bank below them. But as time passes something starts to change. The characters become unhappy, bored with their meaningless shuffling about inside of the mall. They are slowly realizing what the viewers have already been beaten over the head with. The consumption of goods in a protected environment is a life without meaning. The characters trying to survive and keep the zombies out are turning into them themselves through their total immersion in the consumer lifestyle. That a script filled with such a dark and nihilistic message would end up performing so well is telling of the social situation within post-Vietnam America. The public was enraged and invigorated when the films predecessor, Night of the Living Dead, came out in 1968, but now in 1979 they are sick of caring, and want to go to the mall. Here Romero slaps them across the face, telling them to wake up to the grim reality waiting for them at the end of that road. No matter how many trips to the mall you make, you’re just dulling yourself down into another flesh eating cadaver.

Audiences across America and Europe received the film with open arms. It grossed 55 million dollars in the United States alone, which was unheard of for a film like this at the time especially since it was released unrated (something now only reserved for DVD releases). The message of a consumerist society gone mad, with no help to be had from religion or science struck a chord with people across the world. Amazing considering how ahead of it’s time the message would turn out to be (with the dawn of the 80’s me-generation and shallow ideal of financial gain about to have a death grip on Reagan era America). It’s a theme that is revisited in other horror films like American Psycho and the remake of Dawn of the Dead that was released in 2004. The context of the film is important, since it lay on the cusp of one of the most excessively culturally vapid decades in history. It’s ironic that social commentary of this high caliber would come in the form of a zombie movie, but there really is no more scathing metaphor for a generation’s complacency and misguided values.

Lifeforce

First of all, how the fuck did I go through the past decade without seeing this movie? I made it my personal mission to track down every movie with animatronic zombie type guys in it, and somehow this big budget bastard got past my robot person radar? People don't talk about this movie nearly enough. I base that solely on not hearing about it until I saw a trailer at a Screening of The Thing by my homies at Dedfest.

Life force starts off with some space action. Slow floatie space action. A team of scientists aboard the Churchill space explorer are investigating Halleys comet, and find a slim phallic ship with some crazy batwing/umbrella thing on the end that opens, just hanging out at the tip of the huge fireball. They go and explore this crazy hoopajoop.

Inside they find a bunch of floating demon bat guys, who are all made of crumbly chocolate (or they were fossilized). But the real find isn't the hershey monsters, its the nude trio of life force sucking vampires! complete with glass caskets!

I got to admit, I got a little excited when they found people who actually look like people inside that seemingly ancient space craft. I'm a big HP Lovecraft fan, and a big Alien fan. Anything that involves monolithic ancient alien beings, seemingly sentient space ships, or naked chicks encased in glass, count me in.

Flash forward some months, and the ship has returned to earths orbit, the interiors gutted by fire and the crew's juicy corpses litter the hull. The spooky alien/human vampire guys are totally fine though, and ready to start turning some british guards into giant animatronic corpses! YES!

This is where lifeforce really begins for me. The movie wasn't going anywhere until the lady vamp decides to make out with an unlucky researcher. She has this magnetic pull that the men in the film find impossible to resist. I can't imagine why they feel so drawn to her, huh.

Let the lifeforece sucking party commence! Things start getting out of hand at the space research center when the nude alien vampire woman decides to strut her stuff around the facilities, making out with every yutz horny enough to get close to her. This works pretty good actually, and not only because she's not bad to look at. It becomes clear that she doesn't reaaaallly look like that, and that this is just her clever ploy to make men easier to approach. Most of them would probably be apprehensive if they knew they'd end up like grouchy here.

Who ends up switching over to dudes to get his fix of blue electricity.

Then the she-demon busts out of scienceville and embarks on her unholy quest to, well I don't really remember what. This is where lifeforce loses points with me. The plot becomes a little convaluted in the middle, where they start chasing around the vampire's life force, and the survivor of the churchill disaster (who shows up in an espace pod, all gnarly and with beard) establishes some mysterious psychic connection with the soul sucker. It keeps you interested, and I felt entertained, but the vampire's rules and properties feel like they are being made up by the actors as they go. It is all building towards a fairly epic conclusion, but the road there is kind of confused and jumbled in places. Luckily they place lots more open mouthed cadavers on the way to keep you visually stimulated.

In a truly unique twist, Patrick Stewart shows up nearly out of nowhere as the head of a hospital for the criminally insane. Any time I see him in a movie it gives it instant cred. The guy can play any role and instantly elivate the proceedings. That makes his scene with Steve Railsback so entertaining. Through hypnosis Railsback gets Stewart to admit the presence of the vampire lady inside him. He's possesed by her. And to Railsback, he starts looking like her. Which prompts this exchange, Illustrated below.

He fucking plants a big ole wet one right on his full, sophisticated lips. The movie treats this epic moment with the respect and fanfare it deserves. Wind begins to whip around the room, and one poor onlookers neck is snapped from the sheer awesome force of this exchange of saliva. Amazing.

From here the film gets bigger. The scale is amped up as chaos envelopes the streets of London and the alien vampires true power is revealed.

I really enjoyed lifeforce. Even though the running time seems a bit on the long side, and I could see some people getting bored with this. It's hard for me to say I was bored though, since the I find stories like this completely fascinating, and the lead villain walking around naked for most of the movie didn't hurt either. If you've got an evening to kill, and you want to slaughter it with some good sci-fi that you've never seen before give Lifeforce a go. It's a hidden gem of the 80's that's waiting to be rediscovered and given a cult following. Unless im totally clueless and it's got a legion of fans I'm unaware of.

Leave a comment and let me know if you love lifeforce!

Frankenhooker

Frankenhooker. The title evokes an instant mystique of bad taste. When first heard you can't help but smile. If you're revolted , turned off, or think the title sounds stupid, then i ask; whats your deal? When did you decide to stop having fun? How did your sense of humour get crushed? Why don't you like boobs? or sexy hooker monsters? Were you molested by a frankenstein?

Anyway, the movie starts with Jeffrey Franken, a part time mad scientist/electrician, toiling away in his kitchen over a brain with an eyeball in it. The movie dares you to take it seriously from the start.

Then Jeffreys pudgy girlfriend Elizabeth gets fragged by Jeffreys new remote control lawnmower (was this the inspiration for the same device in Honey I Shrunk the Kids?.....probably not, no).

Fast forward through some character development (Jeffrey is bummed about his girlfriends condition, and keeps her head in the freezer, thawing it out once in awhile for a romantic dinner) and the film gets to where its heart is really at, the sleazy 42nd street of New York. The actors and actresses really shine in these sequences where Jeffrey Franken is on the prowl for sexy lady parts. Hennenloter always handles his hometown with an eye for the rough and real gritty dirt, but also manages to make it charming (in a scuzzy, don't forget to wash your hands after kind of way). You can feel the sticky heat coming out of the TV while Jeffrey makes a deal with the goofy and intimidating Zorro, Frankenhookers requisite Pimp Daddy.

Jeff buys up all of Zorro's crack, to make his own formula of super crack, and puts together a party with some hookers in a skeezy hotel room. Franken plans to give his favorite bodacious babe the wonderdrug, killing her with a clear conscious, and then attaching his poor dead girlfriends head to the fresh curvacious cadaver.

Of course everything goes horribly wrong, in one of the most hilariously over the top sequences I have had the pleasure to take in. It's a blast! I saw Fireworks! Hookers blowing up!

But Jeffrey prevails and pieces together a corpse from his favorite parts.

sleazy? Frankenhooker? naaahhh....

After all that, poor Jeffrey Franken get's his wish and resurrects his girlfriend, but she's not quite what he was expecting.

Through the movies own goofy logic, the introduction of hooker parts to Elizabeths brain created a hybrid personality type deal thing where her brain is dormant, and the memory of the body parts is channeled through her brain via nerve endings thought patterns that are transformed into her current conscious......whatever. I hate to say it, but the movies called Frankenhooker, don't expect it to make any sense.......at all.

She looks suspiciously like a lot of girls you see at the goth/punk bar doesn't she?

So Elizabeth, or Frankenhooker, b-lines it past Jeffrey and heads to New York to make some money where the old hooker parts used to make their money. Zorro notices some familiar asses and titties jiggling around the bar and follows Jeffrey and Elizabeth home to exact some pimp slapping revenge. This doesn't go so well for Zorro, and we are treated to some classic Hennenloter what-the-fuck slimy puppet body part creature action!

After that is the real finale, which I won't give away here because it's to good to spoil. Check out Frankenhooker. It's pretty easy to find. I rented it at the lobby dvd shop on Whyte Ave in Edmonton. Grab it there, or at your cities equivalent cult video store!

Also check out everything else Frank Henenlotter has done up till Bad Biology. I can't recomend that one yet, since I haven't seen it yet, and from what I understand it's entirely about fucking/borderline pornographic. So yeah, look for a review of that in the future!

Movies i saw in January Pod cast!

So maybe ill do this at the end of every month. MAYYYYbeeeee.......


It was a little project for school, and the audio gets all fucked up in parts, thanks to the gremlins in my computer. Seriously, those guys can fuck right off.

So it's a bunch of short movie reviews for almost every movie i saw in January. I say almost because i wrote this during the month of january, annd i had to cut some reviews out because the audio was tooo gremlinized.

Enjoy!


http://www.mediafire.com/?j2nybynjm3w

Conquest

poster lifted from wrongsideoftheart.com

Let me preface this by saying I love Conan. The Robert E. Howard stories are awesome, and I can get swept up in the comics at any time, either the new Dark Horse series, or the older Roy Thomas Savage Sword stuff.

That's why when i heard that Lucio Fulci (the maker of some of the most bizzare and awesome Gorey Italian horror movies of the 80's) had made a sword and sorcery picture to cash in on the Conan franchise's popularity, I was right on board.

Then i saw the trailer, and fucking HAD to see it.







Then i saw it......annnd it was ok.

Not the great relevatory diamond in the rough, better than conan the movie, kind of awesome that I had anticipated. Just ok.

It opens up with some crazy over the top gore. A woman getting split in half like a wishbone was particularly inspired and gruesome. Unfortunately it totally shoots its load on that scene, and never gets back to that same level of ultra violence over the course of the movie.

The main baddie (i think she gets refered to as the dark queen) is constantly topless, and has a face made of metal. This should henceforth be required of all super villains in sword and sorcery movies, or at least any spooky robbed figure ought to have a servant dressed down in a similar way.

Also heavily effected voice is a must.

The movie also features some other strange evil warrior soldier guys, who look like what might happen if chewbacca fucked the wolfman. They also talk with weirdo dog voices. That was pretty awesome.

The lead guy in this flick carries around these awful bone nun-chucks (i know that's not how you spell nun chucks, but it looks way funnier). This weapon sounds good on paper, but looks like doodie on your t.v.. Imagine if someone tied two halloween decoration bones together with a bit of string, put on a loin cloth and tried to look menacing; not going to work.

Then the other main good guy carries around his magical bow and arrow (that the dark queen needs to get her greasy paws on) and impresses the shit out of everyone in the foggy moss covered countryside with his innovative weapon.

Yeah I had trouble with that one too. Maaayyybe if his bow and arrow shot the blue lasers out throughout the whole movie instead of just the end, I could have played into the people being wowed over his magic stick and string, but no dice with a plain old, non-magical, bow and arrow.

I powered through the whole thing, once asking my girlfriend if we should turn it off, and then watched the trailer.

We should have turned it off, and just watched the trailer.

It covers every plot point and reveals all the story that there is to be had in this movie. If the atmosphere of the trailer sucks you in hard, then i could recommend trying out the whole movie.

But if you feel satisfied from the plot of the trailer, and don't need to see the same thing stretched out over an hour and a half, Then read the following spoiler.

spoiler alert!

At the end of the trailer, that skull face that pops up, is the face under the metal helmet of the topless dark queen.

Boom, you've seen Conquest.

just in case both of you readers were wondering what i look like...

Simon Glassman drew this one day while i was annoying him in the editing lab at school.

He took on the Student Association for trying to censor his comic in the weekly college paper. The comic in question involved a little boy playing slave owner with his 'imaginary' friend. In response to the uproar, simon drew another comic where a 7 year old jerks off onto a students association t-shirt, but i don't think that one got published.


Parkade is good demented fun. Like Marlyn Manson meets Calvin and Hobbes. check it out at the link below, a long with all of simon's other stuff.

http://gumbocomics.blogspot.com/

Heartless

New UK film, directed by Philip Ridley, and staring Jim Sturgess (the guy from across the universe). I guess he's some sort of hearthrob or something.

anyway, the trailer looks ok. Reminds me of Clive Barker's newer movies from the look of it. The title refers to a giant birth mark the lead character has on his face. I've known a couple people with that in highschool, and they were pretty bummed about their mark. It's got demon looking guys interacting with people and it looks like birthmark jim makes a pact to look normal with one of the evil looking guys, I wonder if it works out for him.....

heres the trailer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCmvhghjmsk

Black Sabbath 40th Anniversary

February 13th 1970, one of the best albums ever recorded is released on an unsuspecting public, changing the face of rock music forever.

I missed this by 37 minutes today, but ill be damned if that means I'm going to ignore it. Happy 40th anniversary to Black Sabbath's self titled debut album. It's one of the best albums ever recorded by the best band ever, put to tape in a manner of hours.

long live Sabbath!

The Wolfman 2010

So i was pretty excited to see this movie. Benecio Del Toro seemed like a good fit as the wolfman and with a simple story, and so many classic images, it seemed hard for the grip of hollywood to fuck this one up. And I don't think they did.

First things first, this movie is waaay gorier than I expected, but it works. The over the top acting and atmosphere suit the source material. This is a great popcorn movie, zero pretention, and lots of action.

The film opens with lots of shots of the moon and a werewolf attack. There is full blown disembowelment, right out of the gate on this one. I think it might even have been before the title. I love pre-title violence. Think of all the great movies that have fucked up shit right from the get go. Braindead, Carrie, Day of the Dead, and more recently Zombieland. Credit sequences are generally boring, so I always appreciate it when the filmmakers take the time to make it spicey.

To add to the effect of the movie, me and my stoned counterpart had great seats, right under the projector. This cast pale blue light over our seats, emmersing us both directly into the foggy moores of victorian London countryside. It's these moments where the movie succeeds the most. The foggy moores where a trademark of the original, and they are utilized throughout this new version. Fog so thick you can't see where the wolfman's coming from make the audience tense, and me giddy with enjoyment at actually feeling some tension in a horror flick thats palpable, and not just some spooked woman reaching for a doorknob.

The violence in the flick is fierce and frenzied. Some sequences reminded me a lot of American Werewolf in London, just due to the mass level of carnage exacted in such public vicinities. The wolfman doesn't hide and strike in the dark, he charges into crowds, fucks up as many people as possible, and then runs off to fall asleep, so he can wake up naked somewhere the next morning.

Anthony hopkins plays the benicio's father, and he turns in a creepy (if slightly campy and over the top) performance. He's really a bit of glue that this movie needs in parts, where it might have been a little bland, Hopkins steps in and started entertaining people.

Make no mistake, this movie is entertaining as hell. It takes breaks between sequences of carnage for exposition and dialogue, and doesn't really flesh out all of the characters enough to consider this movie character driven though. It's really MONSTER driven. and MOON driven. All passage of time is shown through the cycle of the moon, raising tension as it becomes fuller and fuller.

Another thing people are talking about is the cgi used for the tranformation sequences. I'm usually staunchely against cgi, unless it manages to fool me. The lame as fuck cgi bear that accompanied the gypsy caravan did not bode well at the start of the film (honestly? bears exist, so why animate them and do a shit job? why couldn't they get bart the bears cub or something?(the bear from the great outdoors with john candy)). But luckily The transformation here looks great, and painful in parts. Just the way you want your wolf transformations to be. The jaw and teeth growth in particular where a nice touch.

But what this movie boils down to is expectations. It's a classic story, some people love it, some people just think they love it becasue they're supposed to, and some people could care less.

For those purists who knock it for it's flashyness and less than fluid plot i say fair enough. But what else did you expect? I expected an entertaining romp through the moores of victorian london, with a classic character played by an actor who is already half wolf, and hopefully some exciting gory bits and spooky atmosphere. I didn't expect it to revolutionize the genre, but I did expect it to also not shit all over the original wolf mythology and limit the use of overblown cgi effects.

I got exactly what i expected, only bloodier. I'll take that.

Psych: 9

Psych: 9

The title invokes session 9, while the end visuals in the trailer reek of saw part 1's annoying pseudo industrial music video aesthetic complete with quick head thrashing and chunking generic guitar riffs.

I'm being a little hard on it, but the trailer looked shitty.

Might be worth a rental, (whenever its available here, its out in april in the UK) solely for Michael Biehn of Terminator one fame.

It looks like he plays a cop or investigator type.

heres the trailer at bloody-disgusting.com

http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/news/18969

Brother Voodoo (old)

I wrote this in april of 2009, it covers brother voodoos last show. I think they've played since then, so it wasn't really a last show. maybe there last show was there last show? Anyway i've known mattie (there singer pictured above( i didn't take the picture)) for a long time from playing shows with Brother Voodoo back when i played in a band called Uncle Outrage. He's the nicest guy ever, and always really upbeat and positive. The rest of the band is cool too, haha. check it out!

Brother Voodoo has been a staple of the local Edmonton punk scene for the last 5 years, playing countless shows and appearing on bills with a variety of local and touring bands. Last night they played one of their last shows to a small crowded bar of loyal fans and friends.
After paying the modest seven dollar cover charge, I made my way to the bar and settled in for the opening act, The Mitts.
This local power-trio played some of the catchiest garage rock this side of any Hives album, and had the best technical chops of all the bands that played that night. They also know how to charm a crowd with quick witted between song banter that never slowed the pace of their blistering set.
Up next was The Wicked Awesomes who, unfortunately this night, failed to live up to their name. Their style of psychedelics mixed with an upbeat sense of humour and rock and roll could have played well had they not been so glaringly overshadowed by the more energetic opening act.
The Hazard Lights from Calgary where up next. Judging from the singers get up of a retro blazer and police cap, complete with black arm band, the audience could tell they were not going to get anything new from the second garage rock trio of the night.
They played in a more poppy tuneful manner than the openers, but there set fell flat due to sloppy playing which really hurts their style of retro rock.
Brother Voodoo where next to hit the stage. They began their rock odyssey 5 years ago in March when singer Mattie Cullivier called up guitarist Jeremy Hill and then bassist Brad to fill in for two other guys who couldn’t make it to a jam session. Fast forward five years later and they are getting ready to release their first album of material, recorded in their hometown of St. Albert, entitled The Wasted Years.
“It’s a single entendre,” said bassist Steve W, in reference to their known party atmosphere.
This is further illustrated through a memory of a show at a church in Lacombe recalled by drummer, and brother to Mattie, Dylan Cuvillier.
“The father walks down to the basement and says ‘whose van is surrounded by liquor bottles?’ and we’re all like ‘uhhhh…’”
Partying aside, the band also delivers an enthusiastic performance that often hinders the technical side of the music.
“We have a lot of energy [and] we play harder than we should. We kind of give it our all and it kind of hurts the performance of the actual music,” said Mattie.
This is indeed a group that is fully into what they are doing. Three of the four members even have a tattoo on their shoulder displaying an anchor (hah!) with BV scrawled beneath (Mattie is still holding out on getting it).
There show that night began with the four of them stripping down into their underwear and instructing the audience to light the sparklers which they had handed out at random minutes before their set. Sparklers ablaze, they hammered into the first song of their set. Even though Mattie’s mic cut out for the entire first song, he still turned out an energetic performance, not letting the lack of volume hinder his spirit and enthusiasm.
They blazed through an hour long set highlighted by the usual technical difficulties and some pretty inspired renditions of radio hits, including a particularly vicious and ironic cover of the Limp Bizkit anthem Break Stuff, which wasn’t so eyeball-roll inducing as it was charming.
“We’ve had a lot of fun. We’ve done more than we ever deserved” said Mattie, as the night came to a close.
And though Edmonton may not be losing its most talented or musically proficient band, it’s definitely losing one of its most spirited, energetic, fun, and heartfelt ones.

http://www.myspace.com/brothervoodoo

zombieland

I originally caught Zombieland in the theatre at an advanced screening. I used to work in a comic shop, where we would get invites to previews all the time. They also sent us zombieland shirts and hats and hand sanitizer ("you want some purell?").


The dvd came out last week, and me and Sarah (my fiance, and recent convert to horror and exploitation movie fandom) watched my mom's rented copy.

The first time I saw this movie I went in annoyed. The movie blatantly lifts from the popular zombie survival guide by max brooks, and never makes a reference to it in the credits or in the movie.
The book is great and deserves a nod for influencing the writting in this movie. Though the rule thing doesn't take over the entire movie, it's there and it is inconceivable that the writers could make a zombie movie without being aware of this book.

So i went in with a little bad blood. And right out of the gate the rules started getting spouted, complete with a 3D graphic of each rule as it was being applied. I can see how this played up the humour and was trying to be clever, and maybe a little hip, but it didn't work for me at all, even upon my more forgiving second viewing. It made me feel like the authors think I'm and idiot who needs simple things explained to me as they happen. Though i know this isn't the intention and the writers where doing it for laughs, I still couldn't help but be annoyed by the whole rules thing.

Having said that, the opening credit sequence of this flick is awesome. Slow motion zombie action set to Metallica's For whom the bell tolls. It's a cinematic song, that should have been in a movie a long time ago, and works really well here as a quick, gorey set up for the zombie apocalypse.

Then you get introduced to the best Micheal Cera impersonator in the biz Jesse Eisenberg. Here he plays a socially awkward 20 something with OCD, which is exactly why he's survived the zombie apocalypse so well. From here we get the first glimpse of zombie action in the film when Eisenbergs sexy blonde neighbour busts into his house looking for shelter from crazy homeless guys who tried to bite her.
She turns into a zombie (shocker) and they have pretty awesome fight, complete with bathroom cleaner guzzling, and a toilet cover bashing to the face. Nice!

Then the zombie chick breaks her ankle in a nod to dawn of the dead, she walks on her severely pigeon toed apendage, dragging menacingly to colombus (eisenberg).

Then after the flashback to colombus' first zombie encounter, we meet Woody Harrelson, or as he's known in the flick, Talahasee. This guy is the best part of this movie, hands down. He has all the best lines, and kicks the shit out of the most zombies, and has the biggest character arc.

The banjo bit is great and the twinkie quest thing is also great.

Then here come the ladies, Emma Stone (jules in superbad) as Wichita, and Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine, King Diamond) as Little Rock.

They do some good bad acting, and dupe the fellas out of there car and guns. Then they meet up again and the road movie aspect of this film really take off and the characters finally get to bond, instead of being annoyingly suspicious of eachother.

And also, we finally stop seeing the rules, and get a bit of a breather from Jesse Eisenbergs sometimes clever, often annoying voice over narration.

They finally make it to LA, where the girls are trying to get to Pacific play land, where theres supposed to be no zombies, and the movie's namesake comes into play.
First they make a pit stop, and one of the best didn't see it coming cameo's i have ever witnessed takes place. When i first saw this movie, I wasn't even close to being on board until this part. It felt like I was watching a dream I had where i met this actor during a zombie apocalypse ( I dream ive had many times, but usually with different actors) . I'm not going to spoil that part (though ive spoiled most of the rest of the flick) because it's just too good to see it for the first time without previous knowledge.

Also, this sequence involves another winning combination, pot smoke and blue oyster cult. At once hilariously goofy stereotyping, and awesome combination from my life on the screen.

Then they make it to the amusement park, shit goes down (of course) and it ends.

Its during this part that my geek sense kicks in and i get into yelling at the t.v. mode.

"Why the fuck are you turning on all those lights and rides?! its the zombie apocalypse , Jesus!"

Those bitches where CRAYZEE! but don't worry, the dudes come around to save them from the drop of doom ride. (which was a really good original gag, even for a zombie movie).

So overall this movie delivers the goods, though it has it's flaws. It's a genre/sub genre movie that has a lot of stiff competition (har har) sitting around with the likes of Shaun of the Dead, Dead Alive, and Evil Dead 2, so it was bound to struggle a little in living up to expectations. But it manages to hold it's own, at least in the second half, with some of the greats. I get the feeling this is horror for a younger or different demographic than mine though. The hardened genre fan gives way to the younger teen audience. For them, i can't see a better way to get inducted into the horror cannon than Zombieland, though keep an open mind if you're (like me) a long time fan of these films.


And as an aside gripe, whats with the lame-o chugging distorted guitar, shitty nu metal sounding bullshit music that comes in during chase scenes. Give me some fucking fast paced spooky synth god damn it! There's no dread or atmosphere in a boring recycled limp bizkit riff. Come on! What's goblin up to these days?

Begrime Exemious

Begrime Exemious (which roughly means to make the light dirty or ‘grimy’) have been playing filthy death metal in Edmonton since ‘06. This past year they signed a deal with upcoming Dark Descent Records out of Mississippi America, who Derek Orthner (guitar) had a chance meeting with over every young bands best marketing and networking tool.
“After we played at Noctis in Calgary, I was talking about the festival a bit there [metal-archives.com], and it turns out an administrator there was the owner of Dark Descent Records. He asked for a disc, so I sent off our Set Ablaze the Kingdom of Abraham EP along with a rehearsal disc, and the rest was pretty much sealed,” says Orthner.
I’m greeted in their practice room by 5 or 6 enthusiastic metal heads and a large red pentagram spray painted ominously behind the drum kit, adorned with two goat skulls. A rebel flag hangs on the wall behind the brown ragged couches where Lee Norland, the drummer, and Ben Harbak, second guitarist both rest with freshly cracked beers in hand. Alasdair Rintoul, the group’s eldest member and current owner of Edmonton’s premiere metal venue The Mead Hall, sits in a small chair to my right absently riffing on a black flying v guitar, while Orthner sits directly across holding a beer and leaning forward, ready to promote his band and extreme music.
We settle in and it instantly becomes clear that this band of death metal enthusiasts isn’t nearly as intimidating or scary as their lyrics or artwork (or a giant pentagram in the middle of the room) would lead you to believe.
When probed about the overtly blasphemous content of their artwork and lyrics, Begrime Exemious never apologizes, but make it clear that the sacrilegious visuals and dark words are just another vehicle for rebellion and a representation of their rejection of the trappings of societal conventions.
“Satan is used more as a metaphor for that way of life,” says Norland. “We don’t go by any rules y’know. Yeah, we have jobs but that’s so we can eat y’know. Being in a metal band is more than just Satan. It’s a whole lifestyle that either you’re that way or you’re not that way”.
After getting to know the group it becomes clear that their aim isn’t the corruption of the youth or to overthrow Christianity, but to make their mark in a genre that’s overrun with mediocre carbon copy bands. Their real interest lay in playing live and honing their craft until they are on par with the leaders of the metal underground.
“We don’t want to be good, we want to be great,” says Harback. “Honestly I want to be at the point where people are calling me up and wanting us to fly out to Australia to do a one off show…how great would that be?”
Hopefully their future on the road will go a little better than this harrowing trip they made home from Vancouver after a gig.
“…we stopped in clear water, switched drivers out,” says Norland, “We stopped at the bear in blue rive and kept going and in-between blue river and Valmont it was just like kahbush! Boom boom boom, and it sounded like we just got a flat tire eh, and I’m sitting shotgun and I look out the mirror and our tires just doing this [wobbles hands around] in the fucking wheel well and all of a sudden our full air filled tire goes bong bong bong into the ditch! And our van just sheers its back end down like [makes scrapping noise]. And by this time I’m like ‘um Al I think you need to pull over’ and he’s like ‘No shit asshole!’
“That definitely brought us closer as a band,” says Norland.
Near death road experience aside, the band recorded the new album, Impending funeral of man, in a pro studio with other local rocker Bernard Asquin of black metal group Lust. According to the band, they’ve incorporated more doom and d-beat punk style into their already chaotic brand of blackened death fury.
Recording was a different experience for the group this time out. Until this album they’ve only recorded in their practice room.
“You don’t know your band until you’ve recorded with them in the studio,” says Harback, “you hit walls and then you learn for the next-time…I’m fully confident that the next time we record things are going to go a lot smoother.”
The previous recordings have a rough sound that makes the music raw and keeps the aggression and nuances of a group rooted in old school black and death metal intact. The confrontational attitude shines through in the recording and serves as an accurate artifact of their live show.
“At the end of our shows we have nothing left,” says Rintoul.
“When you’re up in front of 100 people or whatever man and you’re in the zone, nothing beats that feeling in the world,” says Norland, “no drug, no woman, no fucking beer, whatever, beats that feeling, that’s what it’s all about.”
Music is priority one with the Begrime camp. Old school death metal injected with their own mountain of influences, ranging from Black Sabbath to Pink Floyd to Discharge, is what they do best.
Their commitment to creativity unhindered by general expectations and scene politics is where Begrime Exemious chooses to stay firmly planted. All members have an air of giddy excitement to be involved in the world of extreme metal, and are genuinely enthused to be doing something they hold in high esteem; playing music.
“You create your own destiny. Your time is your time, so you might as well do something worthwhile; that you’re proud of,” says Orthner, “The end is near, so do your thing. And crush the messiah while you’re at it.”

Impending Funeral of Man will be available from Dark Descent Records on CD and Vinyl in the coming months, and you can catch the band at one of many live rituals planned for the spring/summer of ’10 across western Canada.

http://www.myspace.com/begrimeexemious