Conquest

poster lifted from wrongsideoftheart.com

Let me preface this by saying I love Conan. The Robert E. Howard stories are awesome, and I can get swept up in the comics at any time, either the new Dark Horse series, or the older Roy Thomas Savage Sword stuff.

That's why when i heard that Lucio Fulci (the maker of some of the most bizzare and awesome Gorey Italian horror movies of the 80's) had made a sword and sorcery picture to cash in on the Conan franchise's popularity, I was right on board.

Then i saw the trailer, and fucking HAD to see it.







Then i saw it......annnd it was ok.

Not the great relevatory diamond in the rough, better than conan the movie, kind of awesome that I had anticipated. Just ok.

It opens up with some crazy over the top gore. A woman getting split in half like a wishbone was particularly inspired and gruesome. Unfortunately it totally shoots its load on that scene, and never gets back to that same level of ultra violence over the course of the movie.

The main baddie (i think she gets refered to as the dark queen) is constantly topless, and has a face made of metal. This should henceforth be required of all super villains in sword and sorcery movies, or at least any spooky robbed figure ought to have a servant dressed down in a similar way.

Also heavily effected voice is a must.

The movie also features some other strange evil warrior soldier guys, who look like what might happen if chewbacca fucked the wolfman. They also talk with weirdo dog voices. That was pretty awesome.

The lead guy in this flick carries around these awful bone nun-chucks (i know that's not how you spell nun chucks, but it looks way funnier). This weapon sounds good on paper, but looks like doodie on your t.v.. Imagine if someone tied two halloween decoration bones together with a bit of string, put on a loin cloth and tried to look menacing; not going to work.

Then the other main good guy carries around his magical bow and arrow (that the dark queen needs to get her greasy paws on) and impresses the shit out of everyone in the foggy moss covered countryside with his innovative weapon.

Yeah I had trouble with that one too. Maaayyybe if his bow and arrow shot the blue lasers out throughout the whole movie instead of just the end, I could have played into the people being wowed over his magic stick and string, but no dice with a plain old, non-magical, bow and arrow.

I powered through the whole thing, once asking my girlfriend if we should turn it off, and then watched the trailer.

We should have turned it off, and just watched the trailer.

It covers every plot point and reveals all the story that there is to be had in this movie. If the atmosphere of the trailer sucks you in hard, then i could recommend trying out the whole movie.

But if you feel satisfied from the plot of the trailer, and don't need to see the same thing stretched out over an hour and a half, Then read the following spoiler.

spoiler alert!

At the end of the trailer, that skull face that pops up, is the face under the metal helmet of the topless dark queen.

Boom, you've seen Conquest.